Why Extinction Sleep Training Gets a Bad Name—and How Better Methods Can Work
Sleep training is one of the most polarizing topics in parenting. Approaches like unmodified extinction or “Cry It Out” (CIO)—where caregivers leave their child to cry without intervention—are widely criticized for their harshness and emotional toll. For many parents, the idea of ignoring their baby’s cries feels unnatural, and critics have raised concerns about the long-term effects on emotional development and attachment.
The backlash against CIO is not unfounded. However, this controversy often overshadows that sleep training doesn’t have to rely on such rigid, distressing methods. In fact, approaches like the Sleep Lady Shuffle show that it’s possible to teach a baby to sleep independently without leaving them to cry alone. If you are say sleep training your 2 year old there are gentler approaches. Let’s break down why some methods deserve their bad reputation and how others avoid the pitfalls.
| Method | Definition |
|---|---|
| Unmodified Extinction (Cry It Out) | Child is ignored entirely until morning or a set wake time. |
| Graduated Extinction (Controlled Crying) | Caregivers respond at increasing intervals with brief, minimal comfort. |
| Extinction with Caregiver Presence (Camping Out) | Caregiver remains in the room, minimizes interaction, and gradually increases distance. |
| Sleep Lady Shuffle | Caregiver stays near, provides comfort (patting, verbal reassurance), and gradually moves away. |
Unmodified Extinction (Cry It Out)
- Definition: The child is put to bed and ignored until a set wake time.
- Goal: The caregiver does not respond to crying, aiming for the infant to self-soothe over time.
- Critique: Risks emotional harm and attachment issues due to lack of response; many parents find it too harsh and distressing, making it a controversial choice.
Graduated Extinction (Controlled Crying)
- Definition: Caregivers ignore crying for set intervals before providing brief, minimal support.
- Goal: Gradually increase time between responses to encourage self-soothing while offering limited reassurance. (Ferber Method)
- Critique: While less extreme than Cry It Out, it can still feel emotionally distant, and parents often struggle with leaving their child to cry for extended periods.
Extinction with Caregiver Presence (Camping Out)
- Definition: The caregiver stays in the room but minimizes interactions, gradually increasing physical distance.
- Goal: Infants self-soothe with the comfort of caregiver presence, transitioning to independence.
- Critique: Though caregiver presence reduces some distress, minimal interaction can be confusing for the child and emotionally challenging for the parent.
Sleep Lady Shuffle
- Definition: The caregiver stays near the child, offering verbal reassurance and physical comfort (e.g., patting), gradually reducing involvement.
- Goal: Combines emotional support with gradual independence, creating a balance between responsiveness and teaching self-soothing skills.
- Critique: Designed to promote secure attachment and independence without the distress of harsher methods. While it requires consistency, its flexible and compassionate approach makes it accessible to most families.
Crying Is a Form of Communication
Crying is a baby’s first and most effective way of communicating their needs—not manipulation. Research by Bell and Ainsworth (1972) underscores that crying is a critical tool for fostering connection between infants and caregivers. Here’s why it matters:
- The Real Reason Behind Crying: Babies cry to express fundamental needs—hunger, discomfort, fatigue, or the need for connection. Far from being manipulative, crying is a survival mechanism that signals vulnerability and elicits care. Prompt responses to these cries help babies feel safe and understood.
- Crying as a Communication Tool: Over time, crying becomes a deliberate way for babies to communicate with their caregivers. Responding promptly and sensitively, as advocated by methods like the Sleep Lady Shuffle, reinforces trust and reduces the frequency and intensity of crying. In contrast, ignoring cries, as with Cry It Out methods, can heighten stress and prolong crying episodes.
- Promoting Secure Attachment Through Responsiveness: When caregivers consistently respond to crying, infants feel secure and develop trust in their environment. This reduces stress and fosters a secure attachment, which research shows is vital for emotional development. Securely attached children feel confident to explore their world, a cornerstone of gentle sleep approaches like the Sleep Lady Shuffle
Closing with Ainsworth: Responsive Parenting in Action
The Sleep Lady Shuffle aligns with Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory, which shows that responsive caregiving fosters secure attachment and long-term independence. By being present and supportive, the Shuffle helps parents reduce stress and fear during sleep training while teaching self-soothing skills. This gradual, compassionate approach builds trust and confidence, reflecting Ainsworth’s findings that secure children explore and regulate better over time
Citations
Price, A. M. H., Wake, M., Ukoumunne, O. C., & Hiscock, H. (2012). Five-year follow-up of harms and benefits of behavioral infant sleep intervention: Randomized trial. Pediatrics, 130(4), 643–651. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2011-3467
Australian Association for Infant Mental Health (AAIMH). (2022). Position statement on infant sleep. Retrieved from https://www.aaimh.org.au/key-issues/position-statements-and-guidelines/
Bell SM, Ainsworth MD. Infant crying and maternal responsiveness. Child Dev. 1972 Dec;43(4):1171-90. PMID: 4643768. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/4643768/
